I was, it seems, wrong. My position on irony in the former Soviet Union had been that it was so little talked about, or employed because the alleged people who live in the ruins of the wonder of the U.S.S.R. (crowing like roosters from their dunghills about the wonders of industrialization and electrification that Koba, the greatest genius of all times and places, brought to them, even as their children die of a cornucopia of cancers and malnutrition – O, that PCBs and cotton were edible) inhabit a world of contradictory facts that generate irony as a fish inhabits water. They’ve replaced the old Mr. Big Pants statues of the heroes of Soviet socialism with a variety of representational art more in keeping with the times:
- In Baku, bazoghlan Heydar Aliyev, who offers his salute to the National Bank from the center of a football field of imported Italian marble as he turns his back on the concert hall that bears his name (which no less an artiste than Coolio has graced): the man whose dynastic importance was such that his death preceded his death by between a week to ten days – primarily so that ministers, and more importantly the Armenians, could weigh in with their approval.
- In Tashkent, where Lenin stood, is a statue of Amir Timur, the Uzbek national hero. Rather than adopt any of the other great men (or women, though I can’t think of any off the top of my head) that populate Uzbek history – poets, astronomers, whatever – the Uzbeks chose the most bloodthirsty and savage human being that ever shat between two shoes. Given Uzbek history, that’s saying something. Though I don’t know that he ever boiled folks – just put them to the sword.
- Turkmenbashi. And more Turkmenbashi. And the Rukh Nama. Res ipsa loquitur.
But you don’t see folks writing about sociopolitical life with irony. Despair, sure; indignation, sure; there are even apologists for whatever regimes seem to be our bastards of the moment (Reno Harnish’s ears are burning) whose commentary could be taken as irony. But really appreciating irony is like buying $300 pre-torn jeans. You have to have a lot of Maslow’s other needs satisfied. I didn’t think the former Soviets had it in them. I was wrong.
NO! you cry. Yes, yes. I read the Novoe Vremya column by Ilya Milshtein of August 4, 2006, called “An indulgence for a Lame Duck. The subtitle alerted me – it’s not subtle, but that’s okay, my Russian isn’t all that good. And article with the caption “Calls for a third term will tell history that Chechnya loved Putin” cannot but lead a reader to ask, What the fuck?
The gravamen of the article is in this paragraph (translation by Elena Leonova):
The parliament of Chechnya recently interrupted its summer recess for a special meeting in Grozny, held to consider only one question: Putin and his prospective third term. The Chechen parliament voted in favor of submitting a bill to the Duma: on amending the Constitution so as to change the permitted period in office for the president. [...] After all, it’s already obvious that the people of Russia would vote in favor of a third term for the light of their lives.
Right on, Ilya! It’s great stuff; the Chechens are going to vote for Vova Putin because, well, not liking Putin in not the key to the celebrated Caucasian longevity. The Ossetians did the same thing, even after Beslan – for the same reason. But what the hell; who gives a shit about politics, you say, where’s the irony, son?
[T]he consolidated voice of Chechen society, as expressed in the Chechen parliament’s resolution, will make it clear to the future that Putin was respected and loved in Chechnya – so much, in fact, that Chechnya insisted on a third term for him in 2008. Beslan? Tanks and mortars firing on a building full of children? But you saw how sincerely [bootlickingly pro-Kremlin United Russia party member and Beslan native] Valery Gizoyev was calling for Putin to stay on for a third term. And it doesn’t matter how the parliament was elected, or to what extent [Gizoyev] expresses the general opinion of North Ossetian residents. Only one thing matters: after the war, and after Beslan, the Chechens and Ossetians spoke out in support of Putin. It’s as if the Kosovar Albanians has voted for Slobodan Milosevic after the war. Would any Hague Tribunal have dared to make him stand trial then?
Good question. Henry Kissinger is still running around free, so my guess is: Putin will get to rock a few KFC commercials. Anyway. Were I wearing a hat (God damn John Kennedy’s head of hair for killing the hat), I’d take it off. I hope that Milshtein never achieves the prominence as the other Hebrews that have been cleansed from Russian media. This is the good stuff.
Hey, so two other things: First,what product would Ilham Aliyev be the celebrity spokesmodel for? I’m thinking a beyond-the-grave poster with Ilham and Heydar Baba, with one saying “Great taste,” and the other, “Less filling.” Second, what if Ann Coulter is being ironic? That’s my new working theory. I love Ann Coulter now. She’s got cool roots, too.
