I piss on the Faroe Islands from a great height

It was up on the screen at the end of my block; the beer truck was parked and in full operation, and thousands men, women, and children cheered on the Georgian National football team as they played the Faroe Islands team in first round of the UEFA Cup qualifiers. Did Georgia win? In a big way. Nicely done Sakartvelo.

As far as I know, I was the only person to actively wish for the defeat of the Faroe Islands team for no other reason than it’s associated with the Faroe Islands. The Faroe Islands can kiss my narrow (more or less) white ass.

Why? Well, here’s the thing: the Faroes are to Denmark what, let’s say, Puerto Rico is to the U.S., but where P.R. is a fantastic place (except for a few minor issues, like Vieques and the late Filiberto Ojeda Rios) that has great climate, great food, and amazing scenery. The Faroe Islands are a bunch of rocks in the North Sea between Scotland, Norway, and Iceland. They belong to Denmark, kind of – if you’re interested in Faroese politics, your priorities are your own, I guess. Anyway.

Faroese eat puffins.

Faroese eat dolphins.
Now, you may say: but wait, these are traditional foods for these people! Fie on you for not being more sensitive to the glorious traditions of the noble Faroese!

Fuck them. Right in their ears. In my peoples’ traditions (which are many and various), things to be eaten on a regular basis ranged from unleavened bread to other people. Big deal. As an example, the Israelites believed some crazy backwards shit. In the Bible, it says that a woman is unclean for a week after the Communists have invaded the summer house until, on the eighth day, she brought two turtles and two pigeons to the temple. They would then set a turtle and a pigeon on fire. (If you meet Bible-thumpers who believe in the absolute truth of The Word, ask them how they handle this issue.)

But I digress. Point is, I eat very little unleavened bread, and no long pig at all. We move past our traditions, or we become sophisticated enough to embrace them symbolically – e.g. the wine and wafer, the lamb shank, whatever. But why the hell would you eat a puffin? It’s a seabird that eats fish, like a cormorant; they taste shitty, so we don’t eat them. Eat damn fish, you dumb bastards. Especially if you belong to Denmark – why not eat canned hams? Or cheese, carved into a puffin-y shape? Plenty of food out there that isn’t puffin.

And don’t get me started on the dolphins.

If all the Faroese were to starve to death in order that the puffins were to be preserved, that would suit me fine. I prize human life – certainly my own – but let’s face it, we’re a weed species able to grow anywhere (e.g. the Faroe Islands) and drive out other, more valuable species (e.g. the puffins). You may say, but puffins don’t have any intrinsic value per se; which is fair enough. But do people? Who kill and eat puffins? Hell no. Puffin populations are declining; human populations are not. If the Faroese want to be respected, they should stop acting like weasels and aspire to be like the Danes. Consume fish, consume canned ham, cheese, Tuborg, milk.

Sure, it costs more than puffins. And the Faroese whine about how poor they are. So fix your problem, Faroese whiners. I always say, If life gives you poor, make pornography. Eating puffins is the reason why your damn football team sucks so bad. The Danes are currently ranked 30 places above the Faroes. Coincidence? Only if you’re stupid.

GO DENMARK!

GO GEORGIA! Of course, now they have to play Italy, France, and the indomitable Ukraine – none of which have puffin as their traditional food. Sigh.